I am here on my last day, car packed, and ready to hit the road for my 3-hour drive back to Los Angeles, and then San Diego for the Sophia Conference. As I light some sage to cleanse the space that provided me the learning I needed to grow immensely, to listen to my intuition, and forgive myself – I start to pray out-loud as I walk around the space, tears pour down my face, “I ask to be cleared of any negativity that I may be holding on to and I am grateful for the learning that has happened here, I let go of all the energies that are not mine, I give them to you, Mama Earth, to clear and transform into positive loving light, and I call back my energy, that belongs to me, back into my body…I thank you SLO (San Luis Obispo) for the great lessons and learning…I see the reasons why I was guided here, and I’m thankful to myself for listening to my intuition to be here…I’ve experienced deep intimacy, and was on a home-finding-expedition, and I received so much more…true acceptance and self-frogiveness”
I continue to digest the month’s adventures…
I learned many things about partnership, community and myself. The two biggest things I learned is forgiveness (to be more precise, self-forgiveness), and listening to intuition (deciphering between fear and intuition). As for the forgiveness; up until now, I have held on to ‘what I did or didn’t do’ and run the stories over and over again in my mind as a way to suffer more, beat myself up and stay in a lower vibration. This is not who I truly am, not truly who any of us are!
Now I understand why it’s hard for me to forgive others, because I constantly hold onto it myself. And, thanks to my good friend, Rose, she brought this to my awareness.
Of course I was thrown a test, a big life experiences to really work these out. I have certain reoccurring fears and insecurities my whole life, and I got the opportunity to listen to and follow intuition, practice acceptance and forgiveness for another person and myself.
Here’s what happened: I had a dream the other morning (didn’t know it was an intuition at that moment) of something I have carried fear around my whole life. When I woke up, I felt it in my body, and was feeling that it may be my fear, or perhaps true in this reality right now. I prayed it wasn’t. I sat with myself to decipher between the fear itself, and maybe the intuition I was receiving. Which one was it – fear or intuition, or a bit of both? How do we know its intuition when it’s connected to a fear? For me, I had to breath into this one for a while, then get really quiet (because seriously the mind went ‘cray-cray’ with stories that it wanted to make up for the sake of suffering) and then I breathed into that stillness in my heart and asked the question – “is this true…?”
I heard a clear “yes”!
It was confirmed, my intuition was correct. Even though it was a HUGE challenge, this situation was exactly what I needed to grow out of this old ‘unforgiveness’ pattern/habit and choose another path, a much more authentic path – a path of Love, Unconditional Love, which is I believe is ‘true acceptance’. Could you truly accept and forgive someone for being a player in your worst fears coming to life? What’s your biggest fear? Theft? Murder? Cheating? Lying? Death? Could you forgive the person who makes your fears a reality? Can you have gratitude to the test itself, or the person?
It takes conscious effort to choose the ‘acceptance path’, because the mind/ego/survival mechanisms will always try to divert and distract us from choosing vulnerability and taking risks to grow, love and move forward.
My intention was to come from an open, compassionate, empathetic and grounded place when I was ready to communicate about it. I failed BIG, a few times. I couldn’t get it out of my head that my worst fear had happened. I was in a state of victimhood, of disappointment, and anger – I blew up and lost the plan a little (a lot, really). Control starts to set in and I tried to manipulate it to go my way.
It took me an hour, pretty good considering it used to take me years, to find forgiveness authentically. I saw clearly that I needed to choose this and come back to love. I couldn’t let it stand for longer than an hour. Being a stubborn person that I have been most of my life, I prayed that I wouldn’t have to be the one to make things right. I had to make the choice this time, and I was compelled to do it. This was a huge breakthrough for me. I have always relied on others being the ones to bring me back to love/truth. Again, I needed to make this choice for my life this time.
Needless to say, this inner guidance that I followed (to come to San Luis Obispo for this month) brought me into self-forgiveness, listening clearly to decipher between fear and intuition. I have such gratitude for all the players in this story. I feel love and connection with every person I’ve met here, and don’t want to leave these new friends, new family and my cafebillabuddies (a term borrowed from South Park – changed from accountabillabuddies, referring to someone who you are accountable to and is accountable to you, and we happen to be in café’s together).
But alas, my life, right now, is to travel and do what I do. Well, here’s the interesting karma, I have a constant struggle every time I’m about to leave another place – I fear I may not be able to come back to these people or this town, because I am constantly being pulled away to other cities, other communities and sharing in what I am excited to share in, and yet crave a community that I can grow intimately in. So I let go of this fear, and breath into forgiveness for myself in all my feelings. I look forward to growing the friendships, and I’ll keep listening and following this inner director, my higher self.
Step to Self-Forgiveness
- First, when you are in the funk, check yourself and see if you are holding any un-forgiveness towards yourself. You don’t need to know why you are holding, or what the story is.
- Then locate it in your body. Breath into that place.
- Imagine your cells (in that area, and the rest of your body) letting go and relaxing, and breathe ‘forgiveness’ into and out of your body.
How I know this practice works is because I feel peace in my body, mind and at ease with the moment. I’m free at last!